In 2009 divorce coach and parent educator Christina McGhee and the UK family law organisation Resolution launched Parenting After Parting, a service that offers workshops to separated parents. But, as with all parenting programmes, not enough parents are willing to give it a go. The problem is that we seem to be very sensitive about our role as parents, and hate the idea of going on a course to discover that what we learned from our own parents doesn’t actually work that well in practice.

Christina was the divorce coach in the Channel 4 series How to Divorce Without Screwing up Your Children. Because I don’t have a television, I haven’t seen the series, so reading Christina’s book Parenting Apart was my first introduction to her work.

I often find ‘advice’ books rather bland, as they need to appeal to such a wide audience, and they often lack real passion or any message that might upset the majority view. Yet I found much to inspire me within the pages of this book.

“One of the best ways you can help your children is to take care of yourself.”

Now that is a message that needs ramming home, to mothers in particular who feel that taking time out to file their nails is some kind of betrayal of motherly commitment. Mind you, since I have three children of my own, my nails are in a terrible state, but my confidence in the quality of the advice being proffered was already starting to increase.

“Although family, friends or co-workers may have good intentions, remember that their perspective might be biased or based on their own experiences. There will be times when the advice you receive from others is not right for you or your children.”

As the creator of events that help people start over from major life crises – including divorce – I often find myself telling newly single parents to beware of well-meaning friends and relatives who ‘take sides’ and enflame an already delicate family situation. So Christina’s advice felt right on the mark. And let’s face it, when it comes to parenting, everyone has an opinion, but rarely is it based on any solid evidence of being any good.

“You will never be able to change or control your ex but you always have control over your attitude, your perceptions and your actions.”

This is the core message of all coaching – and coping mechanisms – and by now I was starting to hanker for some clear, unequivocal encouragement for readers to take decisive steps to change the course of a destructive break-up, by using mediation or collaborative law and avoiding going to court over any aspect of the divorce process. It does get a mention, but not as much as I was expecting.

And what about dealing with the children?

“Prepare your child for transitions.” Sometimes we as parents ignore just how painful and difficult family break-up is on children. We hate statistics like those from the divorce survey by Mischcon de Reya, where half of the parents involved said that they had sought a day in court to haggle over residency arrangements despite knowing it made matters worse for their children. A quarter of parents said the process traumatised their children so much that they self-harmed or were suicidal. Between 15,000 and 20,000 couples go to court to resolve child-access disputes each year.

I am passionate about educating parents to stay out of court, and I yearned for the book to share that message more forcefully. But this ground was covered very carefully with statements telling us that, when creating two homes, sadness and signs of depression and self-harm were something to watch out for, and that suicide is a serious issue amongst the young, with the stress of divorcing parents a possible factor.

Where the book was really strong was in giving grounded, practical advice on how to deal with the children on a day-to-day basis:

“It’s been estimated that children need to receive between three and five positive statements to offset the impact of one negative comment.”

There were some great ideas such as using a ‘pen-pal’ notebook to encourage kids to ‘talk’: “Three things I like about my family are…”

“Three things that could be better in this house are…”

“I am most upset about…”

“I am worried about…”

“I wish…”

Christina provides good advice on dealing with blame and negative statements made by one parent about the other in earshot of (or even directly to) the children. And if a child is struggling with why Mum and Dad can’t just get back together, have a look at the pizza and doughnut story on page 178. Simple, funny and very powerful.

Communication using neutral, non-inflammatory ways of talking is not only what those of us who have tested out parenting courses learned was how we should talk to our kids, but also the way we need to talk to our ex. Good advice of course – but HOW???

And even here, Christina comes up with some good suggestions:

“Love your children more than you hate your ex” is one I particularly liked. Also, using a friend to rant to, but in a structured way so you don’t end up letting the anger stage of divorce take over your life.

Some of what I took away from the book I have now made my own – including using vocabulary I gained from the book on a recent BBC Breakfast appearance with my extended family. I referred to their father’s wife and new baby as “bonus mum and bonus baby”. Vocabulary is important: the book suggests reframing “contact” as “parenting time”, “residential parent” as “on-duty parent” and “non-residential parent” as “off-duty parent”.

“Residential home” becomes “mum’s home” and “dad’s home”.

A parenting plan, based on guiding principles like “I am committed to my children’s emotional wellbeing and success in life”, is one of the most valuable suggestions in the book. Many divorcing parents struggle to arrange childcare while talking to each other is an emotional minefield. Committing to a shared vision and making a real plan is a great idea, though personally I would add in: “If you just can’t seem to make it happen, then get some help from a parenting coach or a mediator.”

There are some good pointers on how to deal with that ‘difficult ex’. Here is one:

• Write down three statements that describe your ex – no restrictions. Begin each sentence with their first name.

• Now rewrite those statements – but change your ex’s name for your child’s name.

Pretty clever, huh? Works for me. It has often been said that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

There is a great deal of wisdom within the practical, reassuring pages of Parenting Apart. But if I had any doubts about a lack of passion from the author in her commitment to non-adversarial break-up, they were dispelled by a long telephone conversation with the author herself. Christina (who you can contact on Twitter @christinamcghee) is a dedicated pioneer of educating parents on how to do the least harm to their children when going through a major life crisis like divorce. My frustration about the lack of awareness of alternatives to going through the courts was matched only by Christina’s frustration at the fears parents have about attending parenting courses.

Parenting Apart is full of valuable gems for all parents – even those who are happily married. But if you ever get the chance to attend a parenting course, where you will discover that not being a perfect parent is a fairly common condition, you will have the opportunity to learn even more gems than even the best book can provide.

Suzy Miller is the inventor of Travel Guide for Divorce (in a box), which includes over £500-worth of access to skilled professional advice. Ribbon is optional. Available for £40 including VAT and UK postage at www.sosdivorceinabox.com. Suzy created the UK’s first ‘divorce fair’, the Starting Over Show, which supports people going through major life changes like divorce, redundancy, bereavement and other tough stuff.

suzy@startingovershow.co.uk