This week a new report is being published about the early sexualisation of children. It has been carried out by the Chief Executive of The Mothers Union, Reg Bailey, on behalf of the government.

For those parents concerned about what they are hearing, wanting to find out more about the issues and how to help prepare them and their daughters with coping strategies, I can recommend Where Has My Little Girl Gone? by Tanith Carey, published by Lion Hudson.

This is not an easy subject to read about – it’s distressing to think of how image-conscious and sexualised our society has become and how that is destroying the innocence of childhood. But, I have found this book very helpful.

Watching my three year old daughter play this week, I’ve realised how she enjoys “decorating” herself. With no suggestion from me, she has threaded necklaces with big chunky wooden beads and insisted she and I wear them. She has definite opinions about what she wants to wear, likes hair clips and favours pink. This is in a household with two older brothers and a mother who is not “girly” in the slightest. Reading this book, I am now worried whether my three year old girl is already too interested in what she looks like, or is this just exploratory play? Does she just like “pretty” things? Is this part of her genetic make-up? An article in Nursery World (19 May 2011) discusses that “variations in exposure to androgens during prenatal life, plays a role in brain development, thereby accounting in part for some of the general differences between males…and females”. The article then discusses how male and female babies were attracted by different types of object, eg, soft toys or those that moved.

But what I am seeing is that already, my daughter is interested in image, albeit innocently. The concern is that as they grow older, and become more influenced by what is around them, the messages about image become very sexualised, with negative connotations. Carey sets out very systematically the way in which our daughter’s childhoods are being eroded – the early image conscious and sexual messages bombarding them from clothes, television, the internet, advertisements, pop videos and lyrics, magazines, peer pressure, toys (even some dolls given to children are sexually provocative) and of course, often unwittingly, parental behaviour.

Carey sets out how it’s hard to escape these images. For example, “three out of four children between five and sixteen have a television in their rooms”. What might they be watching? Even supposedly innocent advertisements will be influencing them. I’m sure many reading this will be thinking “not in my house”, but what reading this book has alerted me to is how pervasive sexual imagery and image-conscious behaviour is. For example, how many advertisements of women in semi-naked, sexual aggressive poses would your daughter see if you walked to the local library? What message is that sending? Carey says these images tell girls that it’s good, important, almost imperative to look perfect and be sexy, so this is what they start to obsess about.

The Bailey report is calling for the ban on the number of huge billboards near schools and playgrounds which have subliminal sexual or suggestive messages. He states that there is a “wallpaper of sexual images that surround children”. Guidelines are coming out asking retailers to be more responsible; regulators are being urged to clean up their act. But this is not enough. Pop videos are not regulated – they are on all day with sexual dance routines and suggestive lyrics. The role models our girls might look up to are concerned with image, a sexy image. Can you think of any positive role models for young girls that whose life does not involve looking good? Carey makes the sad point that over generations, women have fought for the right to be liberated and now, the sole aspiration of many girls is to be famous.

Women our girls may look up to, or aspire to be, are being portrayed as “women constantly ready for sex”. Our girls take the message that this is desirable and that this is how men will want them to act if they are to like them. Role models can have a huge effect. MP Nadine Dorries, speaking on Radio 4’s Today programme said, “girls want to be like women they see on the X Factor, and boys want their girlfriends to behave like women they see on the X Factor.” So girls think they need to be “sexy” and sexually active.

Technology has opened our children up to indiscriminate possibilities of influences. Carey asks, as parents, are we careful enough about what our children are exposed to on-line, or are we happy if they are quietly occupied on the computer? Are you using all the security measures available? Are you aware of what your children are looking at (through choice or unwittingly) or sharing of themselves on social networking sites?

Technology and children is something I wish to explore further in JUNO. I know many readers do not have technology in their lives, but our children see my husband and I engaging with technology for work purposes and want to join in. The big question is how to make this engagement positive.

Society has moved on so fast with the advance of technology. Carey writes in this book that mobile telephones are a “lifeline” for young teens, implying it’s a given they should have one. I think that should be questioned – is it right that we just give our young teens mobile telephones? Why are we doing it, for safety or so they fit in? It may be tough, but are we being kinder to them if we say no? The world has changed since we were children, so it’s hard not to look back with nostalgia. What this book does is help us to give us and our children the tools and ideas to cope with today’s society.

So what can you do as a parent?

As well as setting out the issues, Carey gives lots of practical ideas for parents to help counteract this sexualisation. I felt that a lot of what was written could apply as much to boys, and indeed to parenting in general. There are themes running through the book such as:

1. Build your daughter’s self esteem so she has belief in herself as an individual;
2. Keep communicating;
3. Be aware of the dangers technology can expose your child to;
4. Think about what messages your behaviour is giving out; and
5. Don’t give up.

This last theme has inspired me. I found this book empowering. With sexualisation so prevalent in popular society, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed; to think that this is just the way life is now; to conclude that it’s hopeless, I can’t change the inevitability of what my children will be exposed to. I have found myself feeling like that at times but this book is an important reminder not to let go of the values that are important to you, and to make strong, but often difficult decisions to keep those values at the root of your family life, for the benefit of your sons and daughters.