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Aware Parenting
Suzanne Hammond introduces the work of Aletha Solter, the importance of tears and offers twenty alternatives to punishment
Ghandi said: "If we are to attain real peace in this world, we will have to start with the children". Given our current state of affairs, achieving peace in the world seems like a mammoth task: one that would require radical and revolutionary change. In many ways, Dr Aletha Solter's 'aware parenting' philosophy offers just this; a radical and revolutionary approach to understanding and relating to our children. Taken together, her three books, The Aware Baby, Tears and Tantrums and Helping Young Children Flourish offer a unique approach to parenting. This approach has the potential to change for the better our own small family worlds, and the world at large to which, one day, our children will fly.
When I first came across Aletha Solter's aware parenting philosophy I felt truly liberated and relieved. For the first time ever I experienced a deep sense of confidence in my ability to understand and meet both my children's and my own needs, and to do so in a calm, thoughtful and accepting way. Through this new understanding I was able to manage our day to day lives well, rather than just cope, struggle, feel worried or, worse, exasperated. For me, the beginning of this new liberation was marked by an understanding - for the first time - that children needed to be able to cry and to express their anger and frustration ('tantrum'), and to have these feeling accepted in a loving and empathising way by their care-givers. This was a particularly pertinent message for me, because previously I had done absolutely everything I could to prevent my children from feeling hurt, upset, frustrated, sad, or angry. In my mind, being a good, loving and nurturing mother meant making sure my children were happy. It did not occur to me that 'tears and tantrums' had any part to play in this at all until I read Aletha's book - with this very title - at the heart of which is a stress release theory of crying based on a growing body of evidence indicating that 'crying is an important and beneficial physiological process that helps children cope with stress'.
Solter highlights the many sources of stress in young children's lives, from day to day situations to major life stresses (moving house, town or country; parents divorcing; starting a new school). For example, she considers the stress that a four year-old girl spending the morning at a nursery might experience:
"First, another child might knock down her tower block. Then, perhaps she must wait until snack time before she can eat, even though she is hungry. Then this poor child falls off a swing and scrapes her knee. Perhaps she spills paint on her new shoes while painting. Finally, her mother arrives late to pick her up (perhaps triggering in the girl the memory of a traumatic separation during infancy). By the time the mother arrives, this little girl will be in a high state of stress" (Solter, A. 1998, Tears and Tantrums).
The little girl will need a pretext to have a cry, but the pretext she uses will not be the reason for her tears - simply a way to get out the accumulated stress of her day! A broken biscuit maybe, or some such excuse. These pretexts can be misunderstood and attempts to 'fix' the problem or to become frustrated with the child will simply add to the stress already there.
It is easy to see how, when the natural mechanisms for relieving tension are suppressed, children build up an accumulation of stress, and an associated array of behaviours to cope with this suppression: what Solter calls 'control patterns'. Control patterns can start with devices such as dummies (something to suck) that are used to ease or stop a babies crying. The dummy might later be replaced by thumb sucking, and later maybe nail-biting, chewing hair, pencils and so forth. It may start with excessive breast feeding, where the breast is offered as a response every time the baby attempts to cry. Often babies need to cry to release tension before they sleep - if this need to cry is misinterpreted as a cry for food, then the baby may learn to suppress their (unaccepted) feelings with food. Indeed sweets are often offered to comfort children and to stop them crying when, say, they have an injury or are in an upsetting situation. This can be the beginnings of a lifetime control pattern of comfort eating or overeating.
Building on this fundamental principle of a child's (and indeed people of all ages) need to cry in order to release the inevitable tensions of day to day life, Solter examines the ways in which we can meet children's basic needs in order to avoid adding to those stresses. Here she covers a range of issues, from children's need for play, love and quality one-to-one attention, correct information, appropriate environments, choices rather than authoritarianism and so forth. Perhaps this is best illustrated by looking at a sample of Aletha's guide to 'Twenty Alternatives to Punishment':
Twenty alternatives to punishment by Aletha Solter
1. Look for underlying needs.
e.g. Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.
2. Give information and reasons.
e.g. If your child colours on the wall, explain why we colour on paper only.
3. Look for underlying feelings. Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings.
e.g. If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry or rage.
4. Change the environment.
This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child.
e.g. If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
5. Find acceptable alternatives.
Redirect your child's behavior.
e.g. If you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, don't just say no. Tell her where she can build one.
6. Demonstrate how you want your child to behave.
e.g. If your child pulls a cat's tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words alone.
7. Give choices rather than commands.
Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle.
e.g. "Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pajamas on?"
8. Make small concessions.
e.g. "I'll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired."
9. Provide for a period of preparation.
e.g. If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you expect him to behave.
Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult situations.
10. Let natural consequences occur (when appropriate).
Don't rescue too much.
e.g. A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day.
11. Communicate your own feelings.
Let children know how their behavior affects you. e.g. "I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the living room."
12. Use actions when necessary.
e.g. If your child insists on running across streets on your walks together, hold his hand tightly (while explaining the dangers).
13. Hold your child.
Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from holding, in a loving and supportive way, that allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.
14. Remove your child from the situation, and stay with her.
Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, holding, and conflict-resolution.
15. Do it together, be playful.
Many conflict situations can be turned into games.
e.g. "Let's pretend we're the seven dwarfs while we clean up," "Let's take turns brushing each other's teeth."
16. Defuse the situation with laughter.
e.g. If your child is mad at you, invite him to express his anger in a playful pillow fight with you. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and feelings of powerlessness.
17. Make a deal, negotiate.
e.g. If you're ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.
18. Do mutual conflict-resolution.
Discuss ongoing conflicts with your children, state your own needs, and ask for their help in finding solutions. Determine rules together. Hold family meetings.
19. Revise your expectations.
Young children have intense feelings and needs, and are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, creative, forgetful, fearful, self-centered, and full of energy.
Try to accept them as they are.
20. Take a parental time-out.
Leave the room, and do whatever is needed to regain your sense of composure and good judgment.
e.g. call a friend, cry, meditate, take a shower.
Copyright © 1996 by Aletha Solter.
Books by Aletha Solter (Shining Star Press):
Helping Young Children Flourish (1989).
Tears and Tantrums: what to do when babies and children cry (1998).
The Aware baby (Revised Edition) (2001).
www.awareparenting.com
Suzanne lives in Sussex with her two young children, Charlie and Joe. She practices as an Aware Parenting Instructor in Forest Row. For more information contact her at: kim.hammond@btopenworld.com
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